The Cost of Belonging

By Aurelia Lyles, MBA

We need community to survive. We need connection. We need to feel accepted and respected or at least believe that we are.

But at what cost?

When we step out into the world, we search for a place where we fit. We look for jobs, relationships, communities, and organizations that meet us where we are, hoping we will grow with them.

Then we discover the strings that can come with belonging.

There are expectations. Unspoken rules. And what I call decision markers.

Decision markers are the moments that tell us something has changed. Perhaps the expectations are different from what we thought. Perhaps we are being asked to give up more than we intended. Perhaps we are nearing a point where we cannot simply return to who we were.

Those markers matter.

Belonging has a cost. In a job, a family, a community, an association, or a relationship, we give something of ourselves. Sometimes that cost is healthy: compromise, responsibility, accountability, and growth.

But sometimes the cost is you.

You can compromise without compromising your values. You can grow without becoming someone you don’t recognize. You can be accountable without giving up your voice. And you should be able to leave a space that no longer honors who you are.

How do we help our young people recognize the difference?

While they are at home with us, we can help them learn to ask questions and seek guidance from a trusted mentor or leader. We can teach them that every invitation to belong deserves thought before it is accepted.

A decision about where you belong can change the trajectory of your life.

So perhaps the question is not only, “What am I willing to give up to belong?”

It is also, “Who will I become once I do—and will I feel good about myself?”

That question matters especially to our youth. But adults face this dilemma, too. We all want to be accepted, to feel chosen, to feel we have found our people. Finding your people should not mean losing yourself.

The Brown Barn Project cannot provide every answer. We can give young people principles to consider before they enter a new space. We can help them recognize the decision markers and understand the expectations that come with belonging.

Belonging has a cost. Our young people deserve to understand that cost before they pay it.

Many youth-serving organizations are creating opportunities for young people to connect, learn, lead, and grow. We want a future filled with those opportunities—and with young people prepared to understand the relationships, responsibilities, and expectations they bring.

Our job is not to tell them where they should belong. Our job is to help them know themselves well enough to recognize whether a space is worthy of them.

We are here to help facilitate that.

Because before they step into the wider world, they need to know they belong with you.

Help them recognize the spaces that will care for them, too.